I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
