I accidentally had phone sex last night
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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