tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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