I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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