If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
