Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
