if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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