tequila makes me forget i have legs
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
