drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
