I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
