there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
