hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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