i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
