i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
