I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
