walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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