i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
