atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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