She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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