Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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