I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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