stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
