You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
