I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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