The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
