420 ftw
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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