we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
