Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Floor bacon is actually really good
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
