hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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