Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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