i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
