Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
