Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
