Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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