i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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