Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
