ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
