Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
two words...techno handjob
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
