So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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