If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
