i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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