I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
