She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He shit in the fireplace
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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