She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
