you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
