you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
