Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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