I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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