If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
