i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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