I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
