nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
